Getting together with the family over the festive season is a special time, but can be fraught with difficulty. Family systems are complex and for many, spending time with family can bring stress, tension and old wounds to the surface.
There are a couple of other factors that can come into play:
GRIEF: The loss of a loved one is hard at any time, but can be so much harder during the festive season. The holiday season is full of rituals that are about bringing family members together making the absence of a family member so much more apparent. Everyone deals with grief so differently, and this can create tension when we have expectations of how people should respond.
HOMEOSTASIS: There’s an interesting phenomenon in family therapy research called homeostasis. This concept talks to the idea that families generally don’t like change and if someone in the family system acts out of their “usual” role, the rest of the family generally pulls them back in line. The festive season can be a problem if we return home after a year of individual growth and development and the family system struggles to adjust to the changes in us.
LONELINESS: If we don’t feel we have much family support, this time of year can be exceptionally lonely. It is also possible to feel deeply lonely within our family system – especially when we feel misunderstood, unheard, and unseen.
If you feel like family gatherings can sometimes be fraught for you, here are six tools that you can keep referring back to as you navigate through the highs and lows of the festive season.
1. Mindfulness
When we are with our families, it can be easy to be sucked back in to old patterns of relating and it is important to be able to identify our emotions and triggers. Our brains can be hijacked by emotions, overriding the rational or adult part of our brain, and we can be tripped up into acting out from our child parts. Being mindful of our emotions and behaviours helps us to find a pause in the chaos and choose a way of responding that won’t send us back into old conflicts or self-sabotaging acts. For example, if someone is really pushing our buttons and we start to notice anger rising, we might become aware of what is happening in our body. Is there a tightness in our chest, are we getting hotter? We can choose to be mindful of these physiological signs and cues and respond before being emotionally hijacked. This allows us to stay in control of ourselves and how we react.
2. Watch the alcohol
The festive season is often associated with abundance of food and alcohol. We use alcohol to celebrate but we can also use it as a coping tool to numb ourselves and get through a difficult time. Alcohol is a depressant and impacts our ability to regulate effectively – it means we are more prone to emotional outbursts and we can quickly find ourselves in risky territory for fallouts and ruptures.
3. Boundaries
Boundaries are one of the most important strategies when it comes to dealing with family at this time of the year. Boundaries mean knowing exactly who we are, what is okay, and what is not okay for us. This can be communicated firmly and respectfully. It is important to work out what our boundaries are ahead of the festive season and it might be as simple as not engaging in certain conversations. Whether it is setting limits on discussing certain topics or requesting personal space – communicating clearly and kindly can help to manage potential conflict.
4. Practice gratitude
We need to cultivate an attitude of gratitude to balance the experience of sometimes difficult dynamics. Reflecting on the positives and appreciating the moments of joy and love is a helpful antidote to anxiety and stress.
5. Let go of perfectionism and set realistic expectations
Holiday gatherings can often compel us to live up to perfectionist standards. Perhaps we can start to accept that perfectionism is an illusion. So many of us long for perfect family interactions where we have fun, are seen, validated, and respected. If we acknowledge these wishes and bring compassion to the reality that these desires may not actually be met, we start to set realistic expectations for ourselves, helping us to accept our reality.
Brene Brown maintains that “expectations are resentments waiting to happen”. Expectations set us up for disappointment. When we build up a future scenario in our minds that look very specific, and when the reality is different, the experience loses all possibility, meaning and joy. It is helpful to go in with an open heart and mind, allowing the time and experience together to be what it is!
6. Practice Compassion
If we embrace the imperfections and ‘humanness’ of others and bring compassion and empathy in our approach to relationships, we can have more meaningful interactions. People have different stories, values and norms impacting the way in which they show up in the world. Although people do need to take responsibility for themselves, and how they relate to themselves, others and the world, we can offer empathy and understanding. This allows for more connectedness.
Surviving the holiday season with family doesn’t mean avoiding conflicts altogether. It’s about navigating challenges with awareness, compassion, and authenticity. Perhaps the real aim isn’t to just survive the holiday season, but to make it a memorable experience that allows us to connect meaningfully to the important people in our lives. It’s about prioritising well-being while embracing the spirit of the season in a way which feels authentic to us.
Wishing you a meaningful and connected festive season!
Lindsey Hyson has been practicing as a clinical psychologist since 2008. During her career she has worked (in the UK and South Africa) in private practice, psychiatric hospitals, an addiction and rehabilitation centre, corporate firms, and schools. Lindsey works with depression and anxiety, trauma, addiction, emotional regulation difficulties, interpersonal difficulties, parenting, grief and personal growth. To contact Lindsey: info@lindseyhyson.co.za.
