There it was, the WhatsApp invitation. I sunk back on the bed and groaned. The physical reaction first and then the thought, “I thought I had navigated this, and now there is another thing”. Back to the body: I got up, now feeling agitated and annoyed. Another thought: “This is never going to end”. I felt like I wanted to run and hide.
It was just a party invitation.
But not a welcome one to my nervous system.
As we head into the season of office parties, school events, and family gatherings many of us feel both excitement and dread. Some gatherings might feel fun and energising, but others may feel overwhelming, busy and too much.
Family gatherings, especially, can come with unspoken expectations of how you “should” behave and who you “should” be. You might overlook the tightness in your chest or realise too late you are holding your breath as you glance at an invitation to an end-of-year party. Or ignore your stomach dropping as you receive the invitation to a family Boxing Day lunch.
My go to interruption when this happens is to shake it off, walk up and down, and eventually, I slow my breathing. Sometimes, I’ll pace backwards and forwards and tap – this situation needed that!
Since learning and studying Polyvagal Theory as my daughter Mia recovered from chronic fatigue syndrome and POTS I can understand what my body is telling me. And I listen.
From a Polyvagal perspective, my physical reaction to the invitation was a signal from a nervous system in defence mode. I could go if I needed to survive, but I wasn’t under threat; I just felt that way. I had a choice.
To cope, many of us put on a “social mask,” smiling and engaging even if we’re feeling anxious. A client recently said, “I’m Irish—of course, I love working in a bar.” Yet, the slight tension in his expression and the panic attacks he came to discuss suggested otherwise.
I realised that if I went to this particular celebration, I would have to put on a social mask and would probably feel awful the next day.
Was I being I antisocial? I questioned that thought. I had fun at a similar event last month and enjoyed catching up with people and had recently enjoyed dinner out with new friends. So no, it was just this particular party I didn’t want to go to.
As humans, we naturally seek to belong and feel welcome in a group —this sense of connection signals safety to our nervous system. But if that sense of safety isn’t there, our nervous system kicks in, pushing us to stay home, keep quiet, or leave early.
When we feel truly welcomed, we’re relaxed and at ease. Smiles and laughter come naturally, and we can fully engage with others. But if we’re just “putting on a happy face” for others, we can become exhausted. Over time, we might develop physical symptoms like headaches or stomach issues, giving us a reason to say, “No, I just can’t go.”
Through the Safe and Sound Protocol, a therapeutic music program developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, I’ve increased my capacity to feel welcome in social situations. This science-based tool has helped ease my hypervigilance, making social events more enjoyable. Now, I love a good party but don’t feel compelled to attend every invitation or pretend to enjoy them.
So, I chose integrity. I declined, wishing them a happy birthday. No reasons, no excuses. I was safe enough to be me.
A video from Alison and sign up for her upcoming talk 👇
Remedy Bar Wellness Talk: Journey Through Vagus: Harness the Power of Your Nervous System BY visiting International Coaching Federation certified coach, Alison Ward. Explore how your nervous system shapes your health, emotions, and relationships. Learn practical tools to trust your body, find balance, and build resilience. This down-to-earth guide will help you navigate life’s challenges, improve well-being, and create deeper connections through small, meaningful daily changes. Friday 29th November (930 – 11am). Tickets are R150 per person, including coffee/tea and seats are limited. To book, Whatsapp: 068 494 6621
Alison Ward is an International Coaching Federation Martha Beck Master Coach and Safe & Sound Provider specialising in nervous system regulation. Alison help individuals understand and recover from anxiety, stress, and chronic fatigue. Alison works online from her home in Cape Town. To book a free consult visit alisonwardcoaching.com or email her at alisonward1@mac.com.
