Ever jumped onto social media and seen an eye-catching design with a title such as “Try these Three Tools to Instantly Make Parenting Easier?” Or my favourite – the shame grabber – “I’m a *insert title here* and these are five things I NEVER say to my child!”
If your answer is no, please let me know how you curated your algorithm!
When I started out as a parenting coach, it was parenting tools that I focused on (obviously). And I’ve had parents go on to see great progress and success, but others where I came away feeling like I should have been more help.
In hindsight I see that of this latter group of parents, many of them were too overwhelmed to even imagine finding parenting easier. Their children were actually the least of their concerns, but as parents that’s who we’re going to show up for first, right?
So, what if it’s not our parenting skills, or our children’s behaviour, but everything else in our lives that make parenting hard?
Like the job you don’t love so much anymore, but can’t leave, because how will you feed your children while you figure out what your dream career is?
Like the endless list of admin you need to get to that feels longer every week.
Like the tension that’s built up with your co-parent that you’re scared to confront, because that’s a really scary box to crack.
All this drains our capacity, and our children are often competing for the leftovers.
I remember the moments I made this connection as I coached parents, and I also clearly remember the times I need my own support over and above the tools that I teach and use. And so a couple of years ago I knew I needed to be able to offer deeper support as a parenting coach.
I needed something that could guide parents through all the non-parenting stresses first, so that when it came time to use the very simple parenting tools, they had the capacity to use them effectively and really strengthen that connection with their children in a sustainable way. I knew how it felt to unravel those knots of thoughts, feelings and pain in my own head. I knew how much easier parenting was after I had done that work with amazing coaches, mentors, and friends.
I started researching my options and landed on life coaching. I was lucky enough to know some people who had gone through the Martha Beck Wayfinder coaching course, and the timing was perfect to sign up for the next cohort intake.
Through the course, I’ve learnt to navigate the “non-parenting” stresses in my own life. I am also able to provide this support for the parents that I work with. When a parent has more capacity, parenting is just easier. We have more patience to sit through the tantrums, we’re more tuned in to pick up those connection-seeking behaviours before they escalate, and we’re present enough to engage in play with your child. Also – we start to see our “triggers” and the patterns that set them off.
So often people don’t realise the load they’re carrying, and sometimes all it takes is helping them set it down and sort through it to realise that, actually – they are great parents, they have wonderful children – and with the load a little lighter, they have capacity to be the parent they want to be!
I have also learnt when to recommend other health professionals – from psychologists to functional doctors, to body work or music therapy (all of which exist under the same roof at Hanya House!)
Working with parents constantly highlights what an under supported group of the population we are, and it’s a privilege to witness some of the breakthroughs and shifts that happen through the work we do together. I’m constantly learning and enriching my work, both through the clients I work with, and the latest research. If you feel like overwhelm is getting in the way of being the parent you want to be, don’t hesitate to reach out – let’s chat!
Kelly van Rooyen is a certified parenting coach and a life coach who has appeared as a guest speaker across South Africa (in schools and beyond). To follow her on Instagram, click here or you can send an email here.
